The Art of Being

Have you ever wondered why you fall out of that wonderful meditative state you wake up to so quickly?

For one thing, in a woman’s world everything that happens is perceived to be equally important. So, ‘the milk is finished’ is right up there with ‘I have to get this contract signed today’ and ‘I have to call my parents’ with ‘I need to prepare my presentation for next week’. It is an equasion:

Woman’s world: all = equaly important

So it is no wonder I find it hard to stay in that relaxed, meditative state I wake up with in the morning. As soon as I get up, everything I encounter on my way down to my special place in the garden associates with at least a dozen other things, and invites me to speak or express.

This ranges from the stairs need sweeping, the mail sorting and the desk clearing to the sun is calling me to meditate, and I’d like to go bike riding; yes, a shower would be nice, tea, breakfast now or later? A passing car sends a song floating through the air…hmm dancing perhaps?

...can I pass without being distracted...

Hard to handle?

Do you recognize this? It seems so easy to get lost, doesn’t it… How do we handle this?

Well, it is useless to try and silence the mind. And equally useless to work (even) hard(er) to fit it all in. I’ve tried that for years, it doesn’t work.

What then? I’ll tell you my answer: I practice the Art of Being. Since I have adopted this, my world has changed dramatically. It might work for you too!

Now, before you say: but I don’t have time for another practice! RELAX!

Practicing the Art of Being tranformed my world

The Art of Being is done in NET: No Extra Time because it only requires AWARENESS. It boils down to an ancient message that is still very true today:

be totally present to whatever it is that you are doing

whether you are sweeping the stairs, sorting the mail sorting, clearing the desk, greeting the sun, riding your bike, shower, have a cup of tea and breakfast or dance! It sounds simple and it is. Simple, but not easy.

It takes time to relearn

For years on end we have granted our minds the liberty to wander off into future and past. The ultimate lack of awareness is arriving somewhere and not knowing how you got there; your body has gone through all the motions, your mind has been all over the place.

...we have granted our minds the liberty to wander...

Practicing the Art of Being means you strive for the opposite: total awareness – of every details of what you are doing there and then. In doing so you will eXperience how your body moves, how you feel  and most important: what your intuition is telling you.

...be totally present to whatever you do...

Being natural

And this fits women so well! Why? Because 4 out of 6 characteristics of the feminine energy are triggered:

SURRENDERING fully to what you are doing,
TRUSTING that it is the right thing for now,
following SPONTANIOUS impulses, and
EXPERIENCING the MOMENT.

And just wait until you feel the FREEDOM of that!  When you practice the Art of Being, you can’t be distracted unless you let yourself drop out of awareness.

Trust and Surrender

As I felt I hadn’t been playing as full out as I could in my relationship – somehow I wasn’t completely genuine – I decided to experiment with trust and surrender, two of the basic characteristics of the feminine essence.

Like I said in other posts, feminine essence doesn’t mean “women only”. I like exploring my relationship with the feminine and masculine  characteristics, even the ones I think I don’t embody (and not even based on gender); I believe that the ability to which I can embrace these qualities in myself, allows me to understand them  in other people.

The eXperiment

The day before we leave on a weekend city trip, I ask my partner Graham to support me by not sharing where we are going, departure-times, gate numbers, etc. Directly after proposing this, I feel a familiar cringe in my solar plexus. All the more reason to follow through! Here’s what happened.

Day 1: This is easy!

I wake up and check in with myself. I feel a sense of relief not having the burden of paying attention to where we are going, and uplifted and happy about having the opportunity to just be present in the moment. At the bus stop I watch people walking by, a cat jumping out onto the road, the blue sky above. I catch myself trying to read the numbers on the approaching busses, and deliberately turn my back on the direction they are coming from. Graham nudges me for our bus and we hop on board. This is cool!

...in awe of the structures...

At the airport I look around and find myself in awe of the huge steel structures of the terminal building. An unfamiliar surge of energy suddenly runs up my spine. Like Alice in Wonderland I feel myself shrinking: I break out into a broad smile and turn into a little girl again. My adult mind registers an amazing freedom of responsibilities; I don’t have a care in the world. I want to skip and jump, to run around, I point enthusiastically at colourful adverts with butterflies. Everything is interesting and worth looking at. After about 10 minutes the feeling gradually disappears. During the flight I indulge in the memory of it and wonder why I ever was afraid to do this…

Is it really that easy?

Fresh through customs, I step straight back into controlling mode: we need to get a taxi, we need to get money, we need to… Graham just stands there and looks at me, silently. I repeat my words. Silence. I feel SO annoyed. Then it hits me: I am not surrendering! Let alone trusting that he will take care of everything… Shoot!

The same thing happens a couple of times during the afternoon; the habit is strong. Graham is marvellous in either pointing it out to me, or showing me through his body language that I am doing it again. I am really frustrated! With great effort I have been keeping my mouth shut over and over again, determined NOT to take the lead and allow Graham to be there for me! The things I do say are weighed carefully and judged harmless. Apparently they aren’t …

Day 1 results: No, not so easy after all

Over dinner Graham recounts the 9 times (in 6 hours) where I took over. Then he shares very frankly how hurtful that is for him as a man, this constant declaration of mistrust. He is there to serve, and perfectly capable of taking care of what is happening.

Silently adding the number of times I consciously kept my mouth shut, I am embarrassed to realize how often I do step in. I feel the fear of losing control roaring inside of me and my hands tremble.

Intellectually I know I can trust Graham completely. During our time I have been his girlfriend he has proven over and over and over again how capable – and willing – he is to take care of things, if I would only let him… We agree to start over the next day.

Day 2: Renewed commitment

Going down for breakfast I slip again, and yet again on our way out of the hotel. “Are you serious about this” Graham asks, “I am really starting to get annoyed!” I feel the tears burning behind my eyes as I re-commit. I have awareness now, it MUST become easier to do this! After biting off my tongue a couple of times, I decide to shift into acknowledging “taking-over” as soon as it happens. That creates some space. I start to understand what trusting really means: accepting that the other will be there to take care of things, even when they approach things their way (which by the way is all the f***ing time!); somehow that makes surrendering easier.

The next level

At the end of the afternoon, I feel something shift inside of me. It is as if a veil drops and a deeper reality reveals itself. I stop and sit down on a bench on the roadside. First I eXperience a sense of expanded awareness; then – almost instantaneously – I drop into a space in which I fully eXperience the moment. I have a clear sense of my intuitive guidance, am totally free and the potential of moving with whatever comes up right now is almost tangible. I  feel happy, free; free to be ME. Detachment of having to be in control also opens another space:  space to express whatever I want to express, whatever comes up.

...expanded awareness in the moment...

Day 3 and 4: BIG MAGIC

Over the next two days BIG MAGIC starts to happen. Instinctively I realize that all I have to do is take Grahams hand and follow along. In doing this, Graham and I start to flow together in a way that we have never done before. We don’t need words, we allow whatever is. He spots things, I spot things, he wants to look at the map, I admire the buildings, or the squirrel on the wires. I point out little details to him, that he says he would never have noticed otherwise. He gets me safely across the street when I get confused in all that traffic. Now we are BOTH having a richer experience. WOW!!!

At the end of day 4 Graham tells me how good he feels within himself to be called on like that. And how my surrendering over these past few days has allowed him to grow as a man. What a gift!

What I learned

One of my major learnings from this eXperiment was that in the end it had nothing to do with Graham at all. What it all boiled down to was that I wasn’t surrendering to me, because I didn’t trust myself. My controlling of the situation was based in my own insecurity; I was checking up on Graham out of fear, not out of interest, or my love of structure. I now know the difference. The question then is: what was I so afraid of?

I am still me

I found that my fear of letting go of control was based in another fear, a huge fear: the fear of losing my identity. And specifically the identity of the strong, independent woman with an I-don’t-need-anyone attitude. I have outlived this identity a long time ago, yet apparently it was still running the show. And as long as I had a sense of loss tied to this, it was very hard for me to even try it.

I now know that after the eXperiment I am more than I was before the experiment. Instead of having lost something, much more freedom has been ADDED, a freedom that is now readily available. Since I now have a reference to how it feels to be trusting and surrendering, I can tap into that feeling on a daily basis.

Surrendering to who I am at the deepest level also allows me to express more of me, as me! When I eXperienced that total trust inside of me, I couldn’t believe I had been afraid of it at all!

Waking up dormant parts

Through the eXperiment, I have re-awakened and embraced the energy of the carefree girl. Years ago I had put her to sleep, in a dorm to be precise. Cause guess what: “living in the moment” went to sleep as well that day, and that in turn sent “the magic of life” into hibernation!

...more alive with all your parts awake...

No wonder I was feeling empty, no wonder I couldn’t find my purpose. The carefree girl turns out to be an essential part of my inner core. And now she is back!

The polar opposite works as a catalyst

Having Graham there to support me on this quest has been immensely valuable. Even though in the end I realized it was all about me, I was able to fully open up and explore the dimensions of my femininity through the encompassing quality of his masculine energy. The polarity between the masculine force and the feminine force is an important catalyst to reach these results. So – although you don’t need a man to initiate this, eXperimenting within a context of polarity will allow the process to take off easier and return greater results – for both parties involved!

polarity acts as a catalyst

So, what is different now?

Does this mean I am now leaving everything to Graham? That I have given up making decisions, being independent, and follow along meekly?
Nope…

Do I never take control anymore, based on this?
Nope…

A month has passed since we went through this eXperiment, and as a result our relationship has shifted on several levels – and for the better.

First of all, Graham now knows that my “taking-over” has nothing to do with him; if I step in, he knows something is triggering my insecurity.

Secondly, with the reference for the new found freedom, I am now able to express my love of structure and making arrangements in a much more healthy way. Instead of sticking my nose in and demanding to know what is happening, we talk through our plans  and divide tasks between us. On the road, I now read signs for fun!

The third thing is not easy to describe. I have found that – through letting go of the need to control, of the fear that is - I actually am more in control of myself than before. I am more balanced, more relaxed, and have gained tremendous certainty in my day to day existence.

Now here’s a thought…

Gosh, I just had this interesting idea – what would happen if we would reverse roles and do another eXperiment? Graham exploring trusting and surrendering like this for a couple of days. That could be quite interesting. How about it, Graham?

You can eXperience this too

Which part do you need to wake up to come alive and feel the magic? I invite you to eXperience this for yourself. It is an amazing journey. What it requires is total honesty within yourself, and if you are planning to involve your partner, total honesty within the relationship. You have to be open enough to tell each other what is going on, without taking it personally.

Start with setting the parameters for the eXperiment, marking a clear beginning and ending. This is one of the prerequisites to make it work. Pick some days where you know you will have time to focus on yourself – or on each other. From the word go, start with surrendering to the situation. Give yourself time to get into this (or use the technique described in my post Learn how to eXperience the moment). Monitor your thoughts and feelings. Stick with the eXperiment for the whole of the agreed period. Allow it to unfold. Analyse the results and see what you have learned. Repeat as often as you like!

How will you know that you have hit bulls eye? When you surrender totally, you’ll drop into the full experience of the moment; that is your cue. And life will never be the same again…

Learn to eXperience the Moment

(klik hier voor de Nederlandse versie)

For my contribution to NachtburgemeestersCafe last week, I decided to lead the audience through an eXperience of one of the 6 basic characteristics of the feminine energy; I chose “Experiencing the Moment”. The other characteristics of the feminine are: Trust, Surrender, Freedom, Spontaneity and Caring/Nurturing.

Just for the record: feminine energy doesn’t equal “women only”! Everyone has feminine energy, some of us more than others; and that is also true for the masculine energy. This has nothing to do with gender. One of the main areas of focus of femaleXperience is the balancing of your individual feminine and masculine energy, regardless whether you are a woman or a man.

Anyhow, back to the story. Zeus gave me the microphone right at the start, which was great – now the audience had the opportunity to try it out over the whole evening! Read more »

Soft ≠ Weak

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I remember staring for hours on end into the windowsill of the sewing shop in the town I grew up in, the weeks leading up to Easter. The sewing shop was halfway between my parent’s house and their shop in the town square. Where the sewing machines so enticing? Nope!

One of my fondest memories

Every year, a couple of weeks before Easter, the shopkeeper would take out all the machines and clean the window. That would be my cue; I knew what would happen next: the white sands! The shopkeeper would fill the entire window with the softest white sand. And then, as if he planned this on purpose, nothing would happen for at least a couple of days. Passing by, I would stand on tiptoe to make sure I could see correctly. And one morning, the moment I had been waiting for was there: 30 odd little chicks where let in. Ohh… the sight of that! Fluffy, yellow, petite, vulnerable, mesmerizing…

Feminine = Weak?

At a seminar last weekend, a couple of women expressed that they felt tired of being on-the-go all the time. Not that they didn’t want to put the pedal to the medal, they said, they just would like to be able to switch between the sharper edged masculine energy of making it happen and the softer feminine energy of allowing things to evolve in a more natural way.

For this, they recognized they needed to let go, “soften up”. On my question why they didn’t, they shared that they were afraid of going down that route, because letting go would mean that all they had been fighting for would be lost somehow, even as if they would be acknowledging defeat! Like myself and many of us women – they have been brought up to believe that embracing the softness of their personality, (read: being a girl), equals being weak. The contrast with my fondest memory set me thinking. Read more »

Women on the Edge of Evolution

(klik hier voor de Nederlandse versie)

Katherine Woodward Thomas and Claire Zammit have initiated a succesful and interesting series, that certainly qualifies as a female eXperience!

Started as recent as October 2009, by now there are more than 40.000 women listening to – and participating in – a series of global tele-conferences. Speakers are well-known (and lesser known) women, who all have earned their reputation and are now sharing and applying their profound knowledge to define what a co-creative femininity actually is and looking for ways to develop it moving forward. This goes hand in hand with a beautiful awareness for the need of nurturing our planet.

Sofar the bi-weekly calls have featured women like Jean Houston, Lynne Mc Taggert, Barbara Max Hubbard, Diane Musho Hamilton, Marianne Wiliamson and many, many more.

The initiators have just decided to continue the series throughout the summer and with that they will be bringing us even more knowledge and inspiration. Their goal is to gather a group of 100.000 women, who will support eachother one way or the other in their personal development and growth. If this is something that appeals to you, I invite you to become one of them!

You can sign up for free at www.womenontheedgeofevolution.com

Once you have registered, an introduction to the speaker as well as date and time of the call will be emailed to you. If you can’t make it – or like me want to listen to it in your own time – you can download the recording of the calls for free afterwards. The archive contains all the previous calls; well worth browsing through. I’m sure you’ll find someone who appeals to you!

I am listening to a couple of calls at the moment, and even though I don’t agree with the somewhat “American Style” vision of Katherine and Claire, the information is amazing. I’ll soon let you in on my eXperience…